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■TJC  1 4 13 
MAR 
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JUh  -3  197 


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m r 2 7 


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JU.  25  1583 


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L161— 0-1096 


NUTS  TO  CRACK 


TRY  ONE 

YOU  CAN  CRACK  THEM  WITH  YOUR  HEAD,  AND  THE  THINNER 
YOUR  SKULL  THE  BETTER. 


A WHETSTONE  FOR  DULL  WITS 


Fhe  Popular  ‘‘Riddle  Book 

k 1 

FOUR  HUNDRED  NEW  AND  SELECTED  RIDDLES 

J.  M.  TRUITT. 

Publisher  and  Distributor, 

NO.  HE.  TAYLOR  ST., 

CHICAGO,  ILL. 

i i ** 


FIFTEENTH  EDITION,  1903. 


INTRODUCTION. 


From  my  childhood  I have  been  fond  of  making 
guessing  riddles.  My  most  intelligent  friends  have 
urged  me  to  write  a riddle  book.  So  here  it  is. 

If  any  reader  thinks  that  this  is  child’s  play,  just  t 
hand  or  your  head  on  a few  of  these  nuts  and  see  if  you 
find  good  meat,  even  for  your  superior  mind.  I gi\ 
simple  and  easy  riddles  for  children,  but  none  of  them 
or  silly,  and  all  are  to  the  point;  I only  give  such  ric 
can  be  guessed.  Many  of  them  were  prepared  by  1 
minds  in  ancient  and  modern  times.  I introduce  this  < 
mine  to  you  as  your  after-dinner  companion,  and  a jol 
fellow  to  take  with  you  to  evening  parties.  What  is  the 
a Riddle  Book?  It  makes  you  think  and  makes  you 
and,  therefore,  makes  you  better. 


Copyright.  1902 
BY 

GEORGE  SCHORB. 


IK/' 


'scK  G ^ 


Four  Hundred  Riddles 


2-  Which  is  the  greatest  riddle? 

A.  Life,  for  we  all  have  to  give  it  up, 

2-  Which  is  the  greatest  number? 

A.  Number  one,  oneself. 

2-  Which  is  the  best  place  to  hold  the  World’s  Fair? 

A.  On  your  heart;  the  fair  one’s. 

2.  Why  was  Columbus  a very  dissipated  man,  according 
ro  Mark  Twain? 

A.  He  has  been  on  a bust  four  hundred  years. 

Q.  What  is  the  best  time  to  study  the  book  of  nature?  * 

A.  When  autumn  turns  the  leaves. 

Q.  Three  of  us  in  six,  and  five  of  us  in  seven,  four  of  us 
in  nine  and  six  in  eleven? 

A.  Letters. 

Q.  What  creature  has  many  trunks?  ' 

A;  A woman,  when  traveling. 

Q.  What  smells  the  most  in  a drug  store?  ^ 

A.  The  nose. 

Q.  Why  does  a tall  man  eat  less  than  a short  one?  i 
A.  He  makes  a little  go  a long  ways. 

Q.  What  class  of  people  in  America  have  no  legs? 

A.  Women;  they  have  limbs. 

Q.  When  a prudish  young  lady  has  occasion  to  speak  of  a 
legacy,  what  should  she  call  it? 

A.  Limb-acy. 

Q.  Which  are  the  safest  banks,  the  best  stock  and  the 
most  profitable  shares? 

A.  The  farmer’s  earth  banks;  livestock  and  plowshares, 
for  they  are  the  source  of  all  wealth. 

3 


4 


2.  What  would  be  the  best  epitaph  for  a gamblei? 

A.  Waiting  for  the  last  trump. 

Q.  Why  is  the  12 150  train  the  hardest  to  catch? 

A.  It  is  ten  to  one  if  you  catch  it. 

Q.  Why  is  the  clock  the  most  modest  piece  of  furniture  in 
the  house? 

A.  It  covers  its  face  with  its  hands  and  runs  itself  down. 

Q.  I saw  a duck  swimming  in  the  pond  and  a dog  sitti  n$ 
on  its  tail. 

A.  The  dog  sat  on  his  own  tail  on  the  shore. 

Q.  How  can  you  change  a pumpkin  into  a squash? 

A.  Throw  it  up  and  it  will  come  down  a squash. 

Q.  How  can  you  always  have  what  you  please? 

A.  If  you  will  be  pleased  with  what  you  have. 

Q.  Teacher  said,  “Sonny,  give  me  a word  that  rhyr.iei 
with  boy?” 

A.  He  said  girl.  A true  poet. 

"Q.  Why  do  blind  men  so  often  marry  blind  women’ 

A.  Because  love  is  blind. 

Q.  Why  is  money  like  a whip? 

A.  Because  money  makes  the  mare  go. 

Q.  The  king's  fool  offended  him  and  was  condemned  t 
death;  the  king  said,  “You have  been  a good  fool,  so  I will  1 1 
you  choose  the  manner  of  your  death.”  What  mode  do  yy 
think  he  chose? 

A.  I choose  to  die  of  old  age. 

Q.  Why  is  a Zulu  belle  like  a prophet? 

A.  She  has  little  on  'er  in  her  own  country. 

Q.  Victor  Hugo  said,  “Man  was  the  riddle  of  the  eigh, J 
eenth  century.”  But  what  is  the  riddle  of  the  nineteenth  ce  ^ 
tury? 

A.  Woman,  we  can’t  guess  her,  but  we’ll  never  give  h< 

UP- 

Q.  Who  is  more  to  be  admired  than  a promising  younj 
man? 

A. 


A paying  one. 


5 


Q.  When  a fast  young  man  says,  “I  think  I had  better 
marry  and  settle  down/’  what  would  you  advise  instead? 

A.  Better  stay  single  and  settle  up. 

^Q.  Which  one  of  the  children  does  the  mother  love  best? 

A.  Always  the  absent  one. 

Q.  What  is  the  difference  between  an  apple  and  a girl? 

A.  You  have  to  squeeze  the  apple  to  get  cider,  but  you 
have  to  get  sid'er  to  squeeze  her. 

Q.  What  man  has  his  eyes  in  the  back  of  his  head? 

A.  The  man  whose  hind  sight  is  better  than  his  foresight. 

Q.  What  man  is  born  with  three  hands? 

A.  The  man  who  gets  a right  hand,  a left  hand  and  a lit- 
tle behind  hand. 

Q.  What  man  has  a thousand  hands? 

A.  The  man  who  employs  a thousand  men. 

Q.  White  and  black  and  red  all  over? 

A.  A newspaper. 

Q.  A farmer  had  twenty  sick  sheep  and  one  of  them  died. 
Hew  many  had  he  left? 

A.  Nineteen.  In  giving  this  riddle  speak  the  word  sick 
so  quickly  that  it  will  sound  like  six. 

Q.  Why  do  white  sheep  eat  more  than  black  ones? 

A.  There  are  more  of  them. 

Q.  If  you  call  a sheep's  tail  a leg,  how  many  legs  will  he 
have? 

A.  Four  anyhow. 

Q.  Down  south  the  mosquitoes  are  so  large  that  a good 
many  of  them  weigh  a pound;  and  they  sit  on  the  logs  and 
bark  when  people  go  by. 

A.  A great  many  taken  together  weigh  a pound,  and  they 
sit  on  the  bark. 

Q.  Why  does  a hen  give  you  more  corn  than  she  eats? 

A.  For  every  kernel  she  gives  a peck. 

Q.  Why  is  a drunkard's  nose  red? 

A.  Red  is  the  signal  of  danger. 

Q.  How  many  bushels  of  earth  can  you  take  out  of  a hole 
that  is  three  feet  square  and  three  feet  deep? 


6 


A.  None.  It  had  all  been  taken  out. 

-Q.  Why  is  a horse  like  a stick  of  candy ? 

A.  The  faster  you  lick  it  the  faster  it  goes. 

Q.  Why  do  you  always  put  on  your  left  shoe  last: 

A.  When  you  have  put  one  on  the  other  is  left. 

Q.  Tell  me  the  name  of  the  oldest  whistler  in  the  world, 
and  what  tune  did  he  whistle? 

A.  The  wind  whistling  “Over  the  hills  and  far  away.  ’’ 

Q.  Why  is  a pretty  girl  like  a blacksmith’s  apron? 

A.  She  receives  many  sparks. 

Q.  Why  is  a man  climbing  a volcano  like  an  Irishman  try- 
ing to  kiss  a girl? 

A.  He  is  trying  to  get  at  the  crater’s  mouth. 

Q.  Why  does  a dog  wear  more  clothes  in  summer  than  in 
winter? 

A.  In  winter  he  wears  a coat;  in  summer  he  wears  a coat 
and  pants.  (He  pants.) 

Q.  I tremble  at  each  breath  of  air  and  yet  can  heaviest 
burdens  bear? 

A.  Water. 

Q.  What  must  a crank  have,  to  be  of  any  use? 

A.  A balance  wheel. 

Q.  How  can  you  always  have  friends? 

A.  If  you  make  them. 

Q.  Why  did  all  the  widowers  worship  the  ground  that  £ 
certain  widow  walked  on? 

A.  Because  the  ground  was  her  farm  and  they  wanted  it. 

Q.  Why  was  the  death  of  John  Huss,  who  was  burned  atj 
the  stake,  preferable  to  that  of  Charles  I,  who  was  beheaded  j 

A.  A hot  steak  is  better  than  a cold  chop. 

Q.  Why  does  the  average  preacher  need  no  umbrella  ii 
going  to  his  church  on  a rainy  Sunday? 

A.  He  will  be  dry  when  he  gets  into  the  pulpit. 

"~Q.  When  the  girl  was  asked  why  she  married  a one-arme? 
man,  what  do  you  think  she  said? 

A.  She  said  two-armed  men  are  so  common,  and  I do  no 
want  a common  man. 

1 


7 


Q When  was  beef  the  highest  that  it  has  ever  been? 

A.  When  the  cow  jumped  over  the  moon. 

Q.  How  do  we  know  that  the  cow  jumped  over  the  moon? 

A.  By  the  Milky-way. 

Q.  What  is  the  greatest  lancing  operation  in  the  United 
States? 

A.  Lansing,  Michigan. 

Q.  For  what  class  of  men  is  the  road  never  wide  enough? 

A.  Drunkard. 

Q.  What  does  the  worthy  man  think  is  more  blessed  to 
give  than  to  receive? 

A.  Kicks,  pills  and  advice. 

Q.  Why  is'  the  United  States  government  not  going  to 
have  bayonets  any  longer  in  the  army? 

A.  They  are  long  enough. 

'"■'Q.  What  common  thing  is  very  uncommon? 

A.  Common-sense. 

Q.  Why  is  a scrupulous  temperance  man  apt  to  break  his 
pledge? 

A.  Three  scruples  make  a dram. 

Q.  What  class  of  people  are  wax  and  marble? 

A.  Children.  Wax  to  receive  an  impression  and  marble 
to  retain  it. 

Q.  Why  do  the  cyclones  in  Kansas  blow  away  so  few 
houses? 

A.  The  houses  are  held  down  by  heavy  mortgages. 

Q.  When  a Kansas  house  is  blown  away,  what  is  left? 

A.  The  mortgage. 

Q.  Why  is  a fashionable  woman  not  wholly  made  by 
Providence? 

A.  “Providence  shapes  her  ends, ” but  corsets  shape  her 
middle. 

Q.  Why  is  a mischievous  boy  like  a bottle  of  patent  med- 
icine? 

A.  When  taken,  must  be  well  shaken. 

Q.  When  were  the  English  people  poor  judges  of  cattle? 

A.  When  the  Pope  sent  a bull  and  they  thought  it  a bore 
(boar). 


Q.  Three  parts  of  a cross  and  a circle  complete, 

Two  semi-circles  a perpendicular  meet, 

A triangle  standing  on  two  feet, 

Two  semi-circles  and  a circle  complete? 

A.  TOBACCO.  T is  three  parts  of  a cross,  etc. 

Q.  Why  are  people  very  generous  when  they  hear  a ser- 
mon? 

A.  They  give  it  all  away. 

Q.  A man  went  to  the  top  of  his  barn  to  catch  a stork 
that  had  a nest  there ; while  he  was  on  the  roof  the  ladder  fell 
to  the  ground.  What  is  his  easiest  way  to  get  down? 

A.  He  can  pick  down  from  the  stork. 

Q.  Why  is  falling  in  love  like  catching  the  measles? 

A.  The  older  you  are  when  it  happens,  the  harder  it  goes 
wi|h  you. 

^Q.  Which  is  the  largest  room  in  the  world? 

A.  Room  for  improvement. 

*Q.  Why  is  a roo:  . full  of  married  people  an  empty  room? 

A.  There  is  not  a single  person  in  it. 

Q.  When  is  a man  where  he  is  not? 

A.  When  he  is  beside  himself. 

Q.  On  what  side  of  the  mug  is  the  handle? 

A.  Outside. 

Q.  Captain  Cook  made  three  voyages  around  the  world, 
and  he  was  killed  in  one  of  these  voyages.  In  which  voyage 
was  he  killed? 

A.  Last  one. 

Q.  What  is  it  that  has  two  hands,  one  tail,  four  legs  on 
one  side  and  two  on  the  other? 

A.  A woman  on  horseback. 

Q.  A boy  said  to  his  sister,  “I  saw  something  down  town 
that  would  tickle  you. ” “Oh!”  she  said,  “was  it  a monkey?” 
“No.M  “Was  it  a dancing  bear?”  “No.  It  was 99 

A.  Some  straw. 

nQ.  Why  is  a colt  like  an  egg? 

A.  It  must  be  broken  before  it  can  be  used. 

%^Q.  What  does  a man  see  every  day  that  God  never  sees? 

A.  His  equal. 


9 


Q.  When  a man  scalds  his  hand,  what  three  authors  does 
he  mention? 

A.  Dickens,  Howitt,  Burns. 

Q.  If  one  man  carries  a sack  of  flour  and  another  man 
carries  two  sacks,  who  has  the  heavier  load? 

A.  A sack  of  flour  is  heavier  than  two  empty  sacks.  (The 
one  that  carries  the  sack  of  flour.) 

Q.  How  many  peas  in  a pint? 

A.  One  p. 

Q.  What  is  better  than  an  idea? 

A.  You  dea\ 

Q.  Where  was  Moses  when  the  light  went  out?  j 

A.  In  the  dark.  , 

Q.  Why  was  Pharaoh’s  daughter  like  the  Wall  street  mer-  v 
chants? 

A.  She  found  a little  prophet  in  rushes  on  the  bank. 

Q.  Why  is  the  end  of  a dog’s  tail  like  the  heart  of  a tree? 

A.  It  is  the  part  that  is  farthest  from  the  bark? 

Q.  If  there  are  five  birds  on  a tree  and  a hunter  kills  two 
of  them  and  they  fall  down,  how  many  are  left  in  the  tree? 

A.  None — the  rest  flew  away. 

Q.  What  is  the  difference  between  a dollar  bill  and  a sil- 
ver quarter? 

A.  Seventy-five  cents. 

Q.  Thirty  white  horses  on  a red  hill,  now  they  tramp, 
now  they  stand  still. 

A.  The  teeth ; when  you  stop  talking,  they  stop. 

Q.  Which  was  the  largest  island  before  Australia  was  dis 
covered? 

A.  Australia. 

Q.  My  first  two  are  what  Gladstone  wants,  my  last  two 
are  what  Gladstone  hates;  my  whole  expresses  what  Glad- 
stone is. 

A.  Reformatory. 

Q.  Which  is  proper  to  say,  5 and  6 is  13,  or  are  13? 

A.  Neither;  five  and  six  are  eleven. 


10 


Q.  What  root  must  you  hold  in  your  hand  to  stop  the 
toothache? 

A.  The  root  of  the  tooth  that  aches. 

Q.  What  makes  more  noise  than  a pig  under  the  fence; 

A.  Two  pigs. 

Q.  Why  is  the  death  of  Socrates  like  a garret? 

A.  It  is  an  Attic  story. 

Q.  Why  is  spring  a dangerous  season? 

A.  The  trees  are  shooting,  the  flowers  have  pistils  *nd 
the  bull-rush  is  out  (the  bull  rushes  out). 

— Q.  What  animal  walks  on  four  legs  in  the  morning  cwo 
at  noon,  and  three  in  the  evening? 

A.  Man  creeps  on  four  in  the  morning  of  life,  thru  >alks 
on  two,  and  in  the  evening  of  life  with  a cane. 

Q.  What  tree  has  twelve  branches,  about  thirty  l aws  on 
each  branch ; which  are  light  on  one  side  and  dar*  cn  the 
other? 

A.  The  year. 

Q.  Of  what  trade  was  Johnie  Horner? 

A.  A plumber. 

Q.  Why  don’t  the  American  girl  like  the  English  dude? 

A.  A Yankee  dude  ’ll  do. 

Q.  A woman  had  five  children,  half  of  them  were  boys, 
what  were  the  other  half? 

A.  Boys,  too. 

Q.  What  state  produces  the  most  marriages? 

A.  The  state  of  matrimony. 

Q.  What  "state  is  round  at  both  ends,  and  high  in  the 
middle? 

A.  Ohio. 

O.  If  the  devil  should  lose  his  tail,  where  would  he  go  to 
get  a new  one? 

A.  To  the  saloon ; for  that  is  where  they  re-tale  (retail) 
bad  spirits. 

Q.  When  a boy  falls  into  the  water,  what  is  the  first 
thing  that  he  does? 

A.  Gets  wet. 


11 


Q.  When  a boy  falls  out  of  a window,  what  does  he  always 
fall  against? 

A.  Against  his  will. 

Q.  What  great  corporation  does  Eve  represent? 

A.  Adam’s  Express  Company. 

Q.  A rat  finds  twelve  ears  of  corn  in  a basket ; he  carries 
off  three  ears  every  night,  how  long  does  it  take  him  to  empty 
the  basket? 

A.  Twelve  nights;  he  carries  off  one  ear  of  corn  and  his 
own  ears  each  night. 

Q.  What  things  grow  larger  the  more  you  contract  them? 

A.  Debts. 

Q.  What  is  higher  without  the  head  than  with  the  head? 

A.  A pillow. 

Q.  What  becomes  longer  when  you  cut  it  at  the  ends? 

A.  A ditch. 

Q.  What  most  resembles  the  half  of  a cheese? 

A.  The  other  half. 

Q.  When  a church  is  on  fire,  why  is  the  organ  the  leaser 
likely  to  be  saved? 

A.  Because  the  engine  cannot  play  on  it. 

Q.  What  word  comprises  all  the  letters  of  the  alphabet? 

A.  Alphabet. 

Q.  Which  is  the  most  brilliant  member  of  the  alphabet? 

A.  The  Scarlet  Letter. 

Q.  If  the  alphabet  were  going  out  to  a party,  when  would 
the  last  six  letters  start? 

A.  After  T. 

Q.  Before  reapers  were  invented  this  riddle  was  popular — 
why  is  a baby  like  wheat? 

A.  First  it's  cradled,  then  it’s  threshed,  then  it  becomes 
the  flower  of  the  family. 

Q.  How  can  you  ask  a doctor  of  divinity,  in  one  word,  to 
play  a violin? 

A.  Fiddle-dee-dee. 

Q.  My  whole  is  a sea-monster.  If  you  behead  him,  he  be- 


12 


comes  an  American  clergyman.  Then,  if  you  behead  the  cler- 
gyman, you  have  an  English  beverage. 

A.  Whale,  hale,  ale. 

Q.  Why  would  a man  never  starve  in  the  desert  of  Sahara? 

A.  Because  of  the  sand  which  is  there  (sandwiches). 

Q.  How  do  we  know  that  there  are  sandwiches  there? 

A.  Because  the  sons  of  Ham  were  bred  and  mustered 
there. 

Q.  My  whole  is  a noted  commentator.  If  you  behead  him 
he  is  a singing  bird.  If  you  behead  the  bird,  you  have  a 
famous  old  ship. 

A.  Clark,  lark,  ark. 

Q.  Why  are  widows  more  generous  than  young  girls? 

A.  Because  girls  are  looking  out  for  number  one;  widows 
are  satisfied  with  number  two. 

Q.  Why  is  a lover  like  a tailor? 

A.  He  presses  his  suit. 

Q.  Sam  Patch  would  go  up  to  the  tallest  trees,  take  off 
his  boots  and  jump  over  them. 

A.  Over  his  boots. 

Q.  How  many  eggs  can  a man  eat  on  an  empty  stomach? 

A.  None;  when  he  begins  to  eat  his  stomach  is  no  longer 
empty. 

Q.  Of  what  trade  are  all  the  presidents? 

A.  Cabinet  makers. 

Q.  Why  does  a preacher  have  an  easier  time  than  a doctor 
or  lawyer? 

A.  Easier  to  preach  than  practice. 

- Q.  What  is  the  best  thing  to  put  into  pies? 

A.  Your  teeth. 

Q.  Why  is  a slanderer  like  a bed-bug? 

A.  He  is  a backbiter. 

Q.  Why  is  a side-saddle  like  a four-quart  jug? 

A,  It  holds  a gal’on. 

Q.  Which  country  ought  to  be  the  richest  in  the  world? 

A.  Ireland ; for  its  capital  is  always  Dublin. 

Q.  Which  are  the  oldest  knives  and  forks? 


13 


A. 

Q. 

A. 

Q. 

Irish? 

A. 

t>Q. 


A. 
do  so. 


Fingers  and  teeth. 

What  two  animals  follow  you  everywhere? 

Your  calves. 

How  do  we  know  that  Caesar  was  acquainted  with  the 

When  he  crossed  the  Rhine  he  came  back  to  Bridg-it. 
Adam  and  Eve  and  Pinch  me  went  down  to  the  river 
to  bathe. 

Adam  and  Eve  were  drowned  and  who  do  you  think 
was  saved? 

Pinch  me.  When  your  friend  says  pinch  me,  you  must 


, Q.  When  butter  is  worth  twenty  cents  a pound,  what  will 
a ton  of  coal  come  to? 

A.  Ashes. 

Q.  When  is  a door  not  a door? 

A.  When  it  is  a-jar. 

Q.  When  is  a bonnet  not  a bonnet? 

A.  When  it  becomes  a nice  girl. 

Q.  When  does  a girl  become  a two-wheeled  vehicle? 

A.  When  she  is  a little  sulky. 

Q.  When  does  a bed  become  a vehicle? 

A.  When  it  is  a little  buggy. 

Q.  If  32  is  the  freezing  point  where  is  the  squeezing  point? 
A.  Two  in  the  shade. 

Q.  What  low-born,  ill-bred  fellow  has  noble  blood  in  him? 
A.  A flea  that  bites  Lords  and  Ladies. 

Q.  A man  asked  permission  of  the  warden  to  visit  a pris- 
oner. The  warden  asked:  “Are  you  related  to  the  prisoner?” 
He  replied:  “This  man’s  father  is  my  father’s  son.  ” What 
relation  is  he? 

A.  He  is  the  prisoner’s  Father. 

Q.  In  what  month  do  women  talk  the  least? 

A.  February  (the  shortest  month). 

Q.  The  minister  and  his  wife,  the  school-teacher  and  his 
daughter,  were  walking  in  the  grove.  They  found  a bird’s 


u 


14 


nest  that  contained  four  eggs.  Each  of  them  took  out  an  egg 
and  yet  left  one  in  the  nest. 

A.  There  was  but  one  lady,  as  the  minister  had  married 
the  teacher’s  daughter. 

IQ.  What  must  you  fill  a barrel  with  to  make  it  lighter? 

A.  Holes. 

Q.  What  always  weighs  the  same,  whether  larger  or 
smaller? 

A.  A hole. 

Q.  As  I went  down  to  St.  Ives, 

I met  seven  wives, 

Each  wife  had  seven  sacks; 

Each  sack,  seven  cats; 

Each  cat,  seven  kits; 

Kits,  cats,  sacks  and  wives, 

How  many  went  to  St.  Ives? 

A.  One ; the  rest  came  from  there. 

A Q.  Why  does  a negro  not  have  the  cap  on  his  knee  that  a 
white  man  has? 

A.  Because  he  has  his  own. 


BIOGRAPHICAL  RIDDLES. 

The  questions  in  the  following  list  were  not  originally 
intended  for  riddles,  but  the  riddles  were  suggested  to  my 
mind  by  the  remarks  of  eminent  men  or  remarks  made  about 
them: 

Q.  When  an  Englishman  said  to  Lincoln:  “What  was 
your  family  coat-of-arms?”  he  said:  “ 

A.  Shirt  sleeves. 

Q.  When  a rival  candidate  tried  to  make  a point  against 
Lincoln  by  saying  he  was  illiterate,  in  one  of  his  letters  he  used 
a small  i instead  of  a capital  I.  Lincoln  promptly  replied: 

A.  The  other  candidates  had  used  up  all  the  big  I’s,  so  I 
had  to  take  one  of  the  little  ones. 

~Q.  When  Webster  and  Randolph  were  walking  on  the 
bank  of  the  Potomac,  Randolph  said:  “Webster,  I’ll  bet  you 


15 


a hat  I can  prove  this  side  of  the  river  is  the  other  side.  ” 
Webster  said:  “Go  ahead.”  How  did  he  prove  it? 

A.  “That  over  there  is  one  side  of  the  river,  isn’t  it?” 
“Yes.”  “Then  this  is  the  other  side.” 

Another  senator  now  approached,  and  Webster  thought  he 
would  try  the  joke  on  him,  so  he  said:  “I  will  bet  you  a hat 
I can  prove  that  this  side  of  the  river  is  the  other  side.”  “I 
take  you  up.”  “Well,  this  is  one  side?”  “Certainly.” 
“Then  that  over  there  is  the  other  side.”  “So  it  is,  but  that 
was  not  your  proposition.”  “Oh!”  says  Webster,  “let  us  see, 
how  did  you  get  that,  Randolph?”  Webster  lost  two  hats;  he 
was  no  hand  at  a joke. 

Franklin — Why  are  men  and  women  like  the  two  halves 
of  a pair  of  scissors? 

A.  Because  they  work  well  together,  but  neither  works 
well  alone. 

Q.  When  Franklin  was  at  a banquet  in  Paris,  the  English 
ambassador  said:  “Here’s  to  England,  the  sun  that  enlight- 
ens the  world.  ” The  French  ambassador  rejoined:  “Here’s 
to  France,  the  moon  that  will  shine  when  the  sun  has  set.” 
What  could  Franklin  say? 

A.  Here  is  to  young  Jonathan!  Joshua  who  commanded 
the  sun  and  moon  to  stand  still,  and  they  obeyed  him. 

Q.  Beecher — How  does  a lazy  fellow  obey  the  text,  “Go 
to  the  ant,  thou  sluggard?” 

A.  He  goes  to  his  aunt  and  spends  the  winter. 

Beecher — Married  life  should  continually  grow  happier 
— just  as — 

A.  A ripe  pear  is  sweeter  than  a green  pear. 

Q.  Talmage — What  should  be  done  to  the  man  that  can 
sing  and  won’t  sing? 

A.  He  should  be  sent  to  Sing-sing. 

Q.  Spurgeon — Why  are  some  men  like  children’s  money- 
boxes? 

A.  The  Almighty  must  break  them  to  pieces  to  get  any- 
thing out  of  them. 

Q.  O.  W.  Holmes — When  is  the  new  birth  reliable? 


16 


A.  When  the  second  birth  precedes  the  first  one. 

Q.  Irving — Which  is  the  only  tool  that  grows  sharper  with 
use? 

A.  The  tongue. 

Q.  When  Barnum  arrived  at  Heaven’s  gate  and  St.  Peter 
said:  “You  humbug,  what  show  do  you  think  you  have  of 
getting  in  here?”  Barnum  answered — 

A.  The  biggest  show  in  the  world. 

Q.  What  brief  epitaph  can  you  suggest  for  Ingersoll’s 
grave  that  would  satisfy  both  friends  and  foes? 

A.  Robert  Burns. 

Q.  Burdette — What  man  never  gets  excited  in  the  political 
campaign? 

A.  The  carpenter,  for  he  always  keeps  his  spirit  level. 

Q.  This  riddle  and  the  following  two  were  suggested  by 
Josh  Billings:  Where  is  the  best  place  to  have  a boil? 

A.  On  another  fellow. 

Q.  When  any  one  asks  your  advice  what  should  you  do? 

A.  First  find  out  what  kind  of  advice  he  wants,  then  give 
it  to  him. 

Q.  He  says,  “I  have  resolved  not  to  swear  any  more 
except — ’’ 

A.  When  I’m  put  under  oath. 

Q.  What  American  has  had  the  largest  family? 

A.  Washington,  the  “Father  of  his  Country.” 

"Q.  Emerson — What  key  unlocks  all  doors  and  all  hearts 
to  you? 

A.  Good  manners. 

Q.  Dr.  Johnson — I do  not  believ  ghosts  because — 

A.  I have  seen  too  many  of  them. 

Q.  De  Quincy —When  he  was  asked  why  there  were  more 
vvomen  than  men  in  the  world,  replied — 

A.  We  always  see  more  of  heaven  than  of  earth. 

^Q.  Aristotle — There  is  one  thing  that  God  himself  cannol 
change,  and  that  is — 

A.  Yesterday. 


17 


Q.  Clinton  B.  Fisk — Was  asked  by  an  Englishman  why 
Miss  Willard  was  not  married;  he  said — 

A.  She  is  the  matchless  woman  of  America. 

Q.  Fanny  Fern — Why  did  the  Pilgrim  mothers  endure 
more  than  the  Pilgrim  fathers? 

A.  They  endured  all  that  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  endured, 
and  endured  the  Pilgrim  Fathers  besides. 

Q.  When  did  Luther  live  on  hard  fare? 

A.  When  he  was  brought  to  the  Diet  of  Worms. 

Q.  When  Moody  was  asked,  “Can  a man  use  tobacco  and 
be  a Christian,”  he  promptly  replied — 

A.  Yes;  he  can  be  a dirty  Christian. 


BIBLE  RIDDLES. 

Q.  How  many  apples  did  Adam  and  Eve  eat? 

A.  Some  say  Eve  8 and  Adam  2,  a total  of  10;  others  say 
Eve  8 and  Adam  8 also,  total  16;  but  if  Eve  8 and  Adam  82, 
the  total  will  be  90;  others  reason  that  Eve  81  and  Adam  82, 
total  163;  no,  if  Eve  81  and  Adam  812,  the  total  was  893;  then 
if  Eve  81  i-st  and  Adam  812,  the  total  would  be  1623;  or 
again,  Eve  814  Adam,  Adam  81242  oblige  Eve,  total  82056; 
though  we  admit  Eve  814  Adam,  Adam,  if  he  8181242  keep 
Eve  company,  total  8182056.  All  wrong.  Eve,  when  she 
81812  many,  and  probably  felt  sorry  for  it,  and  Adam,  in 
order  to  relieve  her  grief,  812,  therefore,  Adam,  if  he  81814240- 
fy  Eve’s  depressed  spirit,  hence  both  ate  8^89^864  apples. 

Q.  What  did  Adam  first  plant  in  the  garden  of  Eden? 

A.  His  foot. 

Q.  Who  is  the  first  boy  mentioned  in  the  Bible? 

A.  Chap.  I. 

Q.  Why  didn’t  Adam  and  Eve  have  any  molasses? 

A.  Because  they  tried  to  raise  Cain  before  they  got  Able. 

Q.  When  did  the  patriarch  Abraham  sleep  five  in  a bed? 

A.  When  he  slept  with  his  forefathers  (4  fathers). 

Q.  When  was  pork  first  introduced  into  the  navy? 

A.  When  Ham  entered  the  Ark. 

|l 


18 


Q.  When  did  the  rooster  crow  where  everybody  in  the 
world  heard  him? 

A.  In  the  Ark. 

Q.  How  did  Jonah  look  when  he  saw  the  whale  coming 
to  swallow  him? 

A.  He  looked  down  at  the  mouth. 

Q.  What  Bible  character  had  no  parents  after  Adam’s 
time? 

A.  Joshua,  for  he  was  the  son  of  Nun. 

/ Q-  Who  is  the  smallest  man  mentioned  in  the  Bible? 

V A.  Bildad,  the  Shu-hite  (shoe-high). 

Q.  Why  are  potatoes  and  corn  like  the  Pharisees? 

A.  They  have  eyes  and  see  not  and  ears  and  hear  not. 

Q.  Who  is  the  father  of  Zebedee’s  children? 

A,  Zebedee. 

Q.  What  words  in  the  Bible  were  not  spoken  by  God,  man, 
angel  or  devil? 

A.  The  words  spoken  by  Balaam’s  ass. 

Q.  Teacher  asked  the  little  girl  what  was  the  first  thing 
the  children  of  Israel  did  after  they  came  through  the  Red 
Sea? 

A.  I spect  they  dried  themselfs. 

Q.  Why  was  Paul  like  a horse? 

A.  He  loved  Timothy. 

Q.  According  to  the  colored  preacher,  with  what  holy  oil 
should  every  preacher  be  anointed? 

A.  The  isle  of  Patmos. 

. ^Q.  Teacher  asked  the  boy,  Why  was  it  very  wrong  for 

Joseph’s  brothers  to  sell  him  for  thirty  pieces  of  silver?  Boy 
said — 

A.  They  sold  him  too  cheap. 

Q.  Who  is  the  first  girl  mentioned  in  the  Bible? 

A.  Genesis  (Jennie-sis). 

4 Q.  How  do  we  know  that  Adam  and  Eve  were  gamblers? 

A.  Because  they  left  a Paradise  (a  pair  of  dice)  behind 
them. 

Q.  How  do  we  know  that  Peter  was  short? 


19 


A.  He  said,  "Gold  and  silver  have  I none/ 

Q.  Why  was  Joseph  the  straightest  man  in  the  Bible? 

A.  Because  Pharaoh  made  a ruler  of  him. 

Q.  Teacher  said:  “If  you  multiply  the  number  of  Jacob’s 
sons  by  the  number  of  times  which  the  Israelites  compassed 
Jericho,  and  add  to  the  product  the  number  of  measures  of 
barley  which  Boaz  gave  Ruth,  divide  this  by  the  number  of 
Hainan's  sons,  subtract  the  number  of  each  kind  of  clean 
beasts  that  went  into  the  ark,  multiply  by  the  number  of  men 
that  went  to  seek  Elijah  after  he  was  taken  to  heaven;  sub- 
tract from  this  Joseph's  age  at  the  time  he  stood  before  Phar- 
aoh, add  the  number  of  stones  in  David’s  bag  when  he  killed 
Goliath ; subtract  the  number  of  furlongs  that  Bethany  was 
distant  from  Jerusalem,  divide  by  the  number  of  anchors  cast 
out  when  Paul  was  shipwrecked,  subtract  the  number  of  per- 
sons saved  in  the  ark,  and  the  answer  will  be  the  number  of 
scholars  in  my  Sunday-school  class. ' ’ 

A.  Seven  pupils. 

Q.  How  do  we  know  that  they  had  beer  in  the  ark? 

A.  The  kangaroo  went  in  with  hops  and  the  bear  is  always 
bruin. 

Q.  What  did  Jonah  think  when  the  whale  swallowed  him? 

A.  He  thought  he  was  going  to  blubber,  but  he  didn’t. 


GOLDEN  TEXTS  FROM  SHAKESPEARE. 

IN  ANSWER  TO  THE  FOLLOWING  QUESTIONS. 

Q.  Who  are  poor? 

A.  How  poor  are  they  who  have  no  patience. 

Q.  Who  are  crippled? 

A.  None  is  deformed  but  he  that  is  unkind. 

Q.  Who  are  powerful? 

A.  Love  gives  to  every  power  a double  power. 

Q.  What  shines  the  brightest? 

A.  How  far  that  little  candle  throws  its  beams. 

So  shines  a good  deed  in  a naughty  world. 


20 


y.  Who  cheat  themselves? 

A.  They  lose  the  world  who  buy  it  with  much  care. 

Q.  What  is  worse  than  the  bite  of  a snake? 

A.  O,  sharper  than  a serpent’s  tooth  it  is 
To  have  a thankless  child. 

Q.  What  is  wine? 

A.  O,  thou  invisible  spirit  of  wine! 

Since  I know  not  what  name  to  call  thee  by 
I will  call  thee  devil. 

Q.  Does  heaven  honor  a king  more  than  a peasant? 

A.  The  sun  that  shines  on  his  palace,  shines  on  our 
cottage. 

Q.  Is  a man  always  good  because  he  smiles? 

A.  A man  may  smile  and  smile  and  be  a villain. 

Q.  Why  does  a villain  smile? 

A.  False  face  must  hide  what  the  false  heart  doth  know. 
Q.  Can  we  still  have  faith  in  goodness,  when  there  are  so 
many  hypocrites? 

A.  Angels  are  bright  still,  though  the  brightest  fell. 

Q.  What  tone  of  voice  is  the  most  winning  in  a woman? 
A.  Her  voice  was  always  soft,  gentle  and  low, 

An  excellent  thing  in  women. 

Q.  Who  is  a model  man? 

A.  Give  me  the  man  who  is  not  passion’s  slave 
And  I will  wear  him  in  my  heart  of  hearts. 

Q.  How  should  we  look  at  the  world? 

A.  Find  tongue  in  trees,  books  in  the  running  brooks, 
sermons  in  stones  and  good  in  everything. 

Q.  What  is  man? 

A.  What  a piece  of  work  is  man ! how  noble 
In  reason.  How  infinite  in  faculties! 

The  beauty  of  the  world! 

In  action  how  like  an  angel ! 

In  apprehension,  how  like  a god! 

Note. — It  has  not  been  my  object  here  to  cull  the  bright- 
est gems  from  Shakespeare,  but  simply  to  make  a little  string 
of  pearls,  which  will  be  suited  to  my  young  readers.  I hope 


when  I meet  any  of  you,  I will  find  you  wearing-  this  chain 
about  your  neck;  or,  better  still,  having  these  texts  on  the 
end  of  your  tongue. 


KISSING  RIDDLES. 


Q.  What  is  a soldier’s  definition  of  a kiss? 

A.  A report  at  headquarters. 

/Q.  What  shape  is  a kiss? 

A.  Elliptical.  (A  lip  tickle.) 

Q.  Why  are  two  girls  kissing  each  other,  emblems  of 
Christianity? 

A.  They  do  to  one  another  as  they  would  that  men  should 
do  unto  them. 

Q.  Which  are  the  sweetest  kisses? 

A.  Those  that  are  siruptitiously  obtained. 

Q.  Why  don’t  a lady  want  a doctor  to  kiss  her? 

A.  Because  she  don’t  like  to  have  a doctor’s  bill  thrust  in 
her  face. 

Q.  How  do  girls  show  their  dislike  for  mustaches? 

A.  By  setting  their  faces  against  them. 

Q.  What  part  of  speech  is  kiss? 

A.  A conjunction. 


QUESTIONS  IN  SCIENCE. 


Q.  How  do  we  know  that  men  were  evolved  from  the  veg- 
etable kingdom? 

A.  Because  many  of  them  are  small  potatoes  still. 

Q.  Why  is  the  Milky  Way  in  the  sky4y 

A.  Because  the  cow  jumped  over  the  moon  and  let  her 
milk  fly. 

Q.  Teacher  asked  boy,  “Why  does  the  sun  rise  in  the 
east?” 

A.  Because  ’east  makes  things  rise. 

Q.  How  do  we  know  that  heat  travels  faster  than  cold! 


22 


A.  Because  you  can  easily  catch  cold. 

Q.  Why  are  the  days  long  in  summer  and  short  in  winter? 

A.  Heat  expands  things  and  cold  contracts  them. 

Q.  What  class  of  people  have  more  bones  in  their  bodies 
than  others? 

A.  Those  that  live  on  fish. 

Q.  Which  is  the  mother  of  the  chick,  the  hen  that  laid  the 
egg,  or  the  one  that  hatched  it? 

A.  The  hen  that  laid  the  egg. 

Q.  Why  is  the  oyster  the  wisest  of  animals? 

A.  He  keeps  his  mouth  shut. 

Q.  Which  is  the  largest  bug? 

A.  Humbug. 

Q.  Preacher:  “My  son,  have  you  learned  in  your  natural 
history  what  flies  were  made  for?” 

A.  No,  but  old  Jones  says:  “They  keep  him  awake  when 
you  are  preaching.” 

Q.  Why  is  a caterpillar  like  a pancake? 

A.  Because  it’s  the  grub  that  makes  the  butter-fly. 
vj  Q.  What  animal  carries  baggage? 

A.  The  elephant  carries  its  trunk. 

J Q.  Lincoln  was  asked  how  long  a man’s  legs  ought  to  be 
to  be  the  most  serviceable?  He  said — 

A.  Long  enough  to  reach  the  ground. 

Q.  Barnum  had  in  his  museum  ten  horses  that  only  had 
twenty-four  feet  in  all,  and  yet  traveled  as  well  as  other 
horses;  how  was  it  possible? 

A.  Twenty  fore  feet. 

Q.  If  I have  a bottle  nearly  filled  with  water,  and  well 
corked,  how  can  I get  out  the  water  without  drawing  the  cork 
or  breaking  the  bottle? 

A.  Pressing  the  cork  in  the  bottle. 

Q.  This  incident  shows  the  progress  of  science  in  our  own 
day:  A friend  once  told  me  of  a young  man  who  studied  at  a 
New  England  college,  perhaps  fifty  years  ago,  and  who  one 
day  showed  his  professor  a bottle  which  contained  a large  ripe 
pear.  As  the  pear  was  much  larger  than  the  mouth  of  the 


23 


bottle,  and  as  pears  were  not  yet  ripe,  the  professor  suspected 
witchcraft.  He  told  the  young  man  that  he  must  give  a 
Christian  explanation  of  the  mystery,  or  be  expelled  from 
school  for  practising  the  black  art.  How  did  the  student 
explain  it? 

A.  He  had  set  the  bottle  in  a pear  tree  and  passed  the  bud 
of  a pear  through  the  neck,  the  bottle  absorbed  the  rays  of  the 
sun  and  sheltered  the  pear  from  the  chilling  wind,  so  it 
ripened  prematurely. 

Q.  What  colors  can  a blind  man  feel? 

A.  Blue,  green  and  red-hot. 

Q.  According  to  Saxe,  why  are  the  proud  continually  irri- 
tated? 

A.  All  proud  flesh,  wherever  it  grows 
Is  subject  to  irritation. 


PUZZLES  IN  SPELLING. 

Q.  Spell  live  mouse-trap  with  three  letters. 

A.  C-a-t  (cat). 

Q.  Spell  dried  grass  with  three  letters. 

A.  H-a-y  (hay). 

Q.  Spell  hard  water  with  three  letters. 

A.  I-c-e  (ice). 

Q.  Be  thoughtful  and  earnest,  kind-hearted  and  true. 
Spell  that  with  four  letters’ 

A.  That. 

Q.  Children,  tell  me  what  is  meant  by  the  Golden  Rule, 
and  spell  it  with  two  letters. 

A.  It. 

Q.  How  do  you  pronounce  this  word,  bac-ka-che? 

A.  Back-ache. 

Q.  How  do  you  pronounce  to,  and  too,  and  two,  and  the 
first  syllable  of  the  second  day  of  the  week? 

A.  Mon.  The  second  day  in  the  week  is  Monday. 

Q.  What  word  is  shorter  when  you  add  a syllable  to  it? 

A.  Short. 


24 


Q.  Spell  Constantinople. 

A.  When  the  person  to  whom  you  give  this  riddle  comes 
to  the  fourth  syllable,  you  say,  “No,  no,”  to  make  him  think 
he  has  made  a mistake. 

Q.  Can  you  spell  coffee-pot  without  saying  tea-pot? 

A.  C-o-f,  cof,  f-ee,  fee,  coffee,  p-o-t,  pot,  so  you  said  t pot 

Q.  Make  one  word  of  the  letters  in  new  door. 

A.  One  word. 

The  Protean  nature  of  the  vowels  is  well  known,  but  the 
consonants  are  no  less  capricious  jn  their  effect  on  sound,  as  a 
few  examples  will  show. 

Q.  What  makes  a road  broad? 

A.  The  letter  B. 

Q.  What  turns  a lover  into  clover? 

A.  The  letter  C. 

Q.  What  changes  the  lower  regions  into  the  flower  re- 
gions? 

A.  The  letter  F. 

Q.  What  changes  a pear  into  a pearl? 

A.  The  letter  L. 

Q.  What  turns  a word  into  a sword,  and  turns  laughter 
into  slaughter? 

A.  The  letter  S. 

Q.  What  is  the  difference  between  here  and  there? 

A.  T.  • 

Q.  What  changes  a lad  into  a lady? 

A.  Y. 


GYMNASTICS  FOR  THE  TONGUE. 

Say  this  several  times  as  rapidly  and  distinctly  as  you 
“She  sells  sea  shells,”  and  this  also,  “John  sawed  six 
sleek,  slim,  slender  saplings.” 

Say  it  until  your  tongue  does  not  trip  or  slip. 


Q. 

can : 
slick, 
A. 


25 


MATHEMATICAL  AND  PRACTICAL  PUZZLES. 

Q.  Which  is  the  more,  six  dozen  dozen  or  half  a dozen 
dozen? 

A.  Six  dozen  dozen  are  72  dozen;  but  a half  a dozen  ^ 
dozen  are  6 dozen. 

Q.  I asked  a woman  how  many  ducks  she  had;  she  said: 

“Just  now  as  they  ran  down  the  path  to  the  pond,  I saw  there 
was  a duck  in  front  of  two  ducks,  a duck  behind  two  ducks  ^ 
and  a duck  between  two  ducks.  How  many  were  there? 

A.  Three. 

Q.  A certain  room  has  eight  corners ; in  every  corner  sits 
a cat,  on  every  cat’s  tail  sits  a cat,  and  before  each  cat  is  a cat. 

How  many  cats  in  the  room? 

A.  Eight  cats. 

Q.  Arrange  the  nine  digits  in  a solid  square,  making  three 
rows  of  three  figures  each,  and  dispose  the  figures  in  such 
order  that  the  sum  of  each  row  will  be  15,  adding  them  either 
horizontally,  vertically  or  obliquely,  making  the  sum  15  eight 
different  ways. 

A.  294 
7 5 3 

6l8 

Q.  If  a herring  and  a half  cost  a cent  and  a half,  what 
will  1^4-Jierrings  cost?  y 

A.  1 2j^®5ents. 

V Q.  If  a hen  and  a half  lay  an  egg  and  a half  in  a day  and 
a half,  how  many  eggs  will  six  hens  lay  in  seven  days? 

_ A.  28  eggs. 

J \Q.  A man  sent  his  boy  into  the  orchard  to  get  a pan  of 
apples,  and  he  said:  “Give  me  half  the  apples  and  one-half 
an  apple  more ; then  give  your  mother  half  the  remainder 
and  half  an  apple  over,  and  your  sister  half  the  balance  and 
half  an  apple  besides,  and  have  one  apple  left  for  yourself;’’ 
how  many  apples  must  he  pick? 

A.  15  apples. 

Q.  Tom  lives  80  rods  east  of  a school-house,  and  Dick  80 
rods  west  of  it,  Harry  60  rods  south,  and  Jack  60  rods  north; 

i l 


26 


this  morning  Tom  takes  an  early  start;  he  takes  the  shortest 
cut  to  Harry's  house,  and  the  two  boys  cut  across  to  Dick’s 
house;  the  three  go  the  nearest  way  to  Jack,  then  they  go  di- 
rectly to  the  school-house;  how  many  rods  has  Tom  traveled? 

A.  When  the  base  of  a right  angle  triangle  is  80  rods  and 
the  perpendicular  60,  the  hypothenuse  is  ioo  rods,  which  is 
the  distance  from  house  to  house.  He  walked  360  rods. 

Q.  A man  wishes  to  cross  the  river  with  a fox,  a goose 
and  some  corn,  and  can  only  take  one  at  a time  in  his  little 
boat ; if  he  should  leave  the  fox  with  the  goose  he  would  eat 
the  goose,  and  if  he  should  leave  the  goose  with  the  corn  she 
would  eat  the  corn;  how  will  he  get  across  with  all? 

A.  He  takes  the  goose  first,  then  the  fox,  and  brings  the 
goose  back  with  him ; then  carries  the  corn  over  and  comes 
back  after  the  goose. 

Q.  John  and  Jim,  Tom  and  Tim  wished  to  cross  a river; 
John  and  Jim  weigh  100  lbs.  each;  Tom  and  Tim  weigh  50  lbs. 
each,  and  the  boat  will  only  carry  100  lbs;  how  will  they  cross? 

A.  Tom  and  Tim  go  over  together,  Tom  comes  back, 
then  John  goes  over  and  Tim  comes  back,  then  Tom  and  Tim 
go  over  again  and  Tom  comes  back;  now  Jim  goes  over  and 
Tim  comes  back,  then  Tom  and  Tim  go  over. 

Q.  Three  jealous  couples  in  their  journey  came  to  a river; 
the  boat  will  only  carry  two  persons,  and  no  man  wants  any 
other  man  to  speak  to  his  wife ; how  do  they  get  over? 

A.  Two  women  go  over  and  one  comes  back,  two  women 
go  over  again  and  one  comes  back,  then  two  men  go  over  to 
their  wives;  then  a man  and  his  wife  come  back,  now  two  men 
go  over  and  the  woman  comes  back ; next  two  women  go  over, 
then  the  other  man  comes  after  his  wife. 

Q.  A man  buys  a pair  of  shoes  for  $3.00  and  hands  the 
shoemaker  a $10  bill,  he  goes  into  the  grocery  to  have  it 
changed;  he  comes  back  and  gives  the  man  $7.00;  when  the 
man  has  gone  the  grocer  comes  in  and  says,  “That  was  a 
counterfeit  bill  you  gave  me.  ’ ' The  shoemaker  gives  him  a 
good  bill;  how  much  has  the  shoemaker  lost? 

A.  Seven  dollars  and  the  shoes. 


2? 


Q.  A mother  sends  her  boy  to  the  spring  for  a quart  of 
water;  she  has  no  quart  measure  and  no  pint  measure,  but 
she  gives  him  a three-quart  can,  and  a five-quart  can ; how 
does  he  manage  to  get  a quart? 

A.  He  fills  the  three-quart  can  and  pours  it  into  the  five; 
then  he  fills  it  again  and  pours  into  the  five-quart  can  until  it 
is  full,  which  leaves  him  a quart. 

Q.  A man  has  an  eight-gallon  cask  of  wine  and  wants  to 
get  half  of  it  in  a five-gallon  cask,  and  he  only  has  a three- 
gallon  measure;  how  does  he  do  it? 

A.  He  fills  the  measures  twice  and  pours  into  the  small 
cask  till  it  is  full,  which  leaves  a gallon  in  the  measure;  he 
then  lifts  up  the  small  cask  and  pours  it  back  into  the  large 
one;  now  he  pours  the  one  gallon  into  the  small  cask  and  a 
measure  besides. 

Q.  A farmer  buys  loo^  head  of  young  stock  with  $100; 
calves  are  $10  a head,  pigs  $3.00  and  lambs  50  cents;  how 
many  of  each  does  he  ouy? 

A.  Five  calves,  1 pig,  94  lambs. 

Q.  Suppose  a train  leaves  New  York  every  morning  for 
San  Francisco  and  one  leaves  San  Francisco  every  morning 
for  New  York,  and  it  takes  them  seven  days  to  make  the  trip; 
then,  in  going  from  New  York  to  San  Francisco,  how  many 
trains  will  you  meet? 

A.  Fourteen  trains;  all  those  that  leave  this  week  and 
those  that  left  last  week  which  are  still  on  the  way. 

Q.  Take  six  matches  and  so  place  them  as  to  make  four 
triangles  without  crossing  the  matches. 

A.  Lay  three  of  them  on  the  table  in  the  form  of  a trian- 
gle: then  place  one  erect  at  each  corner  and  bring  them 
together  at  the  top,  and  you  will  have  a pyramid  whose  base 
and  three  sides  are  triangles. 

Q.  A frog  is  at  the  foot  of  the  bank  four  feet  high ; he 
climbs  up  two  feet  a day,  and  slips  back  one  foot  at  night;  how 
many  days  will  it  take  him  to  climb  up? 

A.  Three  days. 

Q.  A frog  sits  in  a hole  in  the  center  of  a forty-acre  field; 


1 


28 


he  goes  three  feet  at  every  jump;  how  many  jumps  will  take 
him  out? 

A.  One  jump  will  take  him  out  of  the  hole. 

Q.  A squirrel  sits  at  the  bottom  of  an  oak  tree  twenty 
feet  high;  he  goes  up  a foot  every  day;  how  long  will  it  take 
him  to  get  to  the  top? 

A.  He  goes  up  afoot  (on  his  feet)  every  day. 

O.  A lady  had  a cross  which  was  composed  of  jewels;  she 
took  it  to  an  artist  for  repairs  and  had  the  precaution  to  count 
the  jewels;  she  found  twelve  in  the  long  piece,  and  in  count- 
ing from  the  foot  to  the  end  of  either  arm,  there  were  also 
twelve;  the  jeweler  purloined  two  gems,  but  so  arranged  the 
rest  that  the  count  was  not  changed;  how  did  he  manage 
this? 

A.  He  took  one  gem  from  the  end  of  each  arm,  then  re- 
moved the  one  at  the  top  to  the  foot  of  the  cross. 

Q.  If  you  take  a strip  of  wood  forty  inches  long  and  one 
inch  wide,  and  cut  off  fifteen  inches  and  fasten  it  across  the 
long  piece  six  inches  from  one  end ; then  the  arms  of  the  cross 
will  measure  seven  inches  each  and  the  long  piece  eighteen 
inches;  but  18  and  7 and  7 and  6 are  38;  what  has  become  of 
the  other  two  inches? 

A.  There  is  an  inch  in  each  piece  where  they  cross  each 
other. 

Q.  I heard  a man  say  he  had  crossed  the  Atlantic  nine- 
teen times,  yet  he  was  born  here;  how  could  he  cross  an  odd 
number  of  times  and  be  here  again? 

A.  He  went  over  and  back  eight  times,  and  around  the 
world  three  times. 

Q.  Why  does  your  birthday  not  come  on  the  same  day  of 
the  week  every  year,  but  always  a day  or  two  later? 

A.  Three  hundred  and  sixty-five  days  are  52  weeks  and 
one  day  over,  and  in  leap-year  there  are  two  days  over. 

Q.  Where  does  the  day  begin?  On  what  part  of  the  globe 
do  people  first  say,  “Now  it  is  Christmas;  now  it  is  the  first 
of  May!” 

A.  In  central  Europe. 


29 


LYING  FIGURES. 

People  think  figures  can’t  lie,  and  that  all  parts  of  a math- 
ematical problem  are  consistent  with  each  other,  but  because 
of  this  belief  nothing  is  so  misleading  as  figures  can  be,  both 
in  the  form  of  false  statistics  and  subtle  problems.  Indeed,  a 
problem  may  be  made  to  contradict  itself,  and  it  takes  a sharp 
eye  to  detect  the  cheat. 

Q.  Achilles  pursues  a tortoise;  he  is  ioo  paces  behind  at 
first,  but  runs  ten  times  as  fast;  still  when  he  has  gone  a hun- 
dred paces  the  tortoise  has  gone  ten,  and  while  he  goes  ten  the 
tortoise  goes  one,  while  he  goes  one  the  tortoise  goes  one- 
tenth  of  one,  and  so  forever;  the  tortoise  always  being  a tenth 
of  the  last  distance  ahead,  yet  we  know  that  Achilles  could 
soon  overtake  the  tortoise.  Where  is  the  fallacy? 

A.  The  fallacy  lies  in  assuming  that  Achilles  takes  a 
tenth  of  a pace  and  a hundredth  part  of  a pace.  He  takes  full 
paces,  not  fractions.  He  takes  112  paces. 

Q.  In  a certain  hotel  there  are  eleven  bedrooms,  and 
twelve  travelers  apply  for  lodging.  The  landlord  says  to  one 
man,  “If  you  will  wait  until  I have  assigned  the  rest,  I will 
have  a room  for  you;”  so  he  puts  the  second  man  in  the  first 
room,  the  third  in  the  second,  and  so  on  until  the  eleventh 
man  is  in  the  tenth  room ; then  he  says  to  the  twelfth  man 
who  is  waiting,  “Now  you  can  go  into  room  11.” 

A.  The  first  man  was  left  out. 

Q.  Mother  Thrifty  and  her  daughter  Dollie  drive  60  ducks 
to  market,  each  driving  30;  Mother  Thrifty  is  eager  for  a 
trade,  and  hurries  on  with  her  thirty,  and  reaches  the  market 
early,  when  ducks  are  in  demand.  She  sells  them  at  one  dol- 
lar a brace ; but  Dollie  dawdles  along  the  road,  and  when  she 
arrives  the  market  is  supplied  so  she  only  receives  one  dollar 
for  every  three.  On  the  way  home  the  mother  says,  “I  got  a 
dollar  for  two,  and  you  a dollar  for  three,  which  makes  two 
dollars  for  five  ducks ; but  sixty  is  twelve  times  five,  so  we 
must  have  twelve  times  two  dollars  or  twenty-four/’  but  on 
counting  their  money  they  found  they  had  twenty-five  dollars. 
Why  this  discrepancy? 


30 


A.  They  did  not  sell  them  in  twelve  lots  of  five  each,  for 
Dollie’s  ducks  were  gone  after  ten  sales,  when  her  mother  still 
had  ten  ducks  to  sell. 


LAME  LOGIC. 

A man  often  reaches  an  absurd  conclusion,  after  a great 
show  of  argument,  because  his  reasoning  is  based  on  appear- 
ance and  sound,  instead  of  fact  and  common-sense.  The 
sophist  may  be  called  a great  reasoner,  and  yet  not  have  a 
grain  of  sense. 

Q.  Why  is  the  wind  blind? 

A.  The  wind  is  a breeze,  a breeze  is  a zephyr,  zephyr  is 
yarn, a yarn  is  a tale,  a tale  is  an  appendage,  an  appendage  is  an 
attachment,  an  attachment  is  love  and  love  is  blind,  therefore 
the  wind  is  blind. 

Q.  Why  is  the  bed  the  most  dangerous  place  in  the  world? 

A.  Most  people  die  in  bed. 

Q.  How  can  you  prove  that  a cat  has  nine-tails? 

A.  One  cat  has  one  tail  and  no  cat  has  eight  tails,  but 
one  cat  and  no  cat  are  one  cat,  and  one  tail  and  eight  tails  are 
nine  tails. 

Q.  A biped  is  a creature  with  two  legs ; a goose  has  two, 
and  you  have  two,  therefore  you  are  a goose.  Why  not? 

A.  It  takes  something  besides  legs  to  make  a man  or  a 
goose.  The  conclusion  should  have  been,  you  are  like  a goose 
in  one  respect. 

Q.  Zeno  said,  “Motion  is  impossible. ” A body  cannot 
move  in  the  place  where  it  is,  for  the  place  is  no  larger  than 
the  body,  and  it  cannot  move  in  another  place  because  it  is 
not  there. 

A.  But  it  can  move  out  of  one  place  into  another. 


A MUSICAL  CATECHISM. 

v Q.  What  is  the  key  of  good  manners? 

A.  B-natural. 


31 


Q.  Who  is  the  greatest  composer? 

A.  Sleep. 

Q.  What  is  a slur? 

A.  A mean  remark  of  one  musician  about  another. 

Q.  What  is  a rest? 

A.  Going  out  of  the  choir  during  sermon  time  for  refresh- 
ments. 

Q.  What  is  meant  by  singing  with  the  understanding? 

A.  Beating  the  time  with  your  feet. 

Q.  What  is  a staccato  movement? 

A.  Leaving  the  choir  in  a huff  because  you  are  offended. 
Q.  What  is  a swell? 

A.  A conceited  young  professor  of  music. 

Q.  Why  is  an  important  young  lady  like  a music  book? 

A.  She  is  full  of  airs. 


PALINDROMES. 

A Palindrome  is  a sentence  which  can  be  read  backwards 
as  well  as  forwards,  and  the  meaning  be  the  same.  In  read- 
ing from  right  to  left,  spell  the  words  backwards. 

Q.  According  to  Sidney  Smith,  how  did  Adam  introduce 
himself  to  Eve? 

A.  Madam,  I'm  Adam. 

Q.  How  could  Napoleon  speak  of  himself  in  a palindrome 
beginning  with  the  word  able? 

A.  Able  was  I ere  I saw  Elba. 


ACROSTIC. 

An  Acrostic  is  a stanza  so  written  that  the  first  letters  of 
the  lines,  taken  together,  spell  a name  or  some  other  word. 
I will  give  one  on  a masculine  name,  one  on  a feminine  and 
one  a young  man’s  age,  as  I wrote  it  for  his  birthday. 

Q.  Faithful  to  your  daily  trust 

Ready  at  your  duties'  call. 

Always  gentle,  always  just, 

Never  mean,  and  never  small. 

Kind  and  true  you  are  to  all. 

A.  Frank. 


32 


Q.  Many  golden-hearted  friends 

Ah,  so  precious  and  so  true ; 
Rare  and  dear  Our  Father  send 
Yet  no  better  friend  than  you. 

A.  Mary. 

Q*  Tugging,  pulling,  pushing  ever 

With  a will  that  Fate  defies; 
Energy  that  tires  never, 

Never  wavers,  falters  nevei 
That’s  the  only  way  to  rise. 

Yes,  and  I repeat  it,  sir, 

Faith  in  God  and  faith  in  grit, 
Overleap  each  yawning  pit. 

Undermine  each  barrier; 

Robe  and  crown  the  conqueror. 

A.  Twenty-four. 


SQUARING  A WORD. 


Q.  Arrange  several  words  in  a square  so  that  they  will 
read  the  same  horizontally  and  vertically.  The  old  problem 
of  squaring  the  circle  is  solved  thus: 

CIRCLE 

ICARUS 

RAREST 

CREATE 

LUSTRE 

ESTEEM 

A.  Make  some  small  squares  yourself,  as 

CAT  BOY  MAN  PIN 

APE  ONE  AXE  ICE 

TEA  YES  NEW  NEW 


33 


A CURIOSITY. 

In  the  following,  the  initial  capitals  spell,  “My  boast  is  in 
the  glorious  cross  of  Christ.  ” The  words  in  capitals,  when 
read  from  top  to  bottom,  and  bottom  to  top,  form  the  Lord’s 
Prayer. 

Q.  Make  known  the  Gospel  truths,  OUR  Father  king, 

Yield  up  thy  grace,  dear  FATHER,  from  above, 

Bless  us  with  hearts  WHICH  feelingly  can  sing, 

“Our  life  thou  ART  for-EVER  God  of  Love!” 

Assuage  our  grief  IN  love  FOR  Christ  we  pray, 

Since  the  bright  Prince  of  HEAVEN  and  GLORY  died, 

Took  all  our  sins  and  HALLOWED  THE  display, 

Infant  BE-ing  first,  a man,  AND  then  was  crucified. 

Stupendous  God!  THY  grace  and  POWER  make  known; 

In  Jesus’  NAME  let  all  THE  world  rejoice. 

NOW  labor  in  THY  heavenly  KINGDOM  own, 

That  blessed  KINGDOM  for  thy  saints  THE  choice. 

How  vile  to  COME  to  Thee  IS  all  our  cry; 

Enemies  to  THY-self  and  all  that’s  THINE, 

Graceless  our  WILL,  we  live  FOR  vanity, 

Loathing  thy  very  BE-ing,  EVIL  in  design. 

O God,  thy  will  be  DONE  FROM  earth  to  heaven; 

Reclining  ON  the  Gospel  let  US  live 
In  EARTH  from  sin  DELIVER-ed  and  forgiven, 

Oh,  AS  Thyself  BUT  teach  us  to  forgive. 

Unless  IT-s  power  TEMPTATION  doth  destroy. 

Sure  IS  our  fall  INTO  the  depths  of  woe. 

Carnal  IN  mind,  we’ve  NOT  a glimpse  of  joy 
Raised  against  us  HEAVEN : in  US  hope  we  can  flow. 

O,  GIVE  us  grace  AND  LEAD  us  on  Thy  way; 

Shine  on  US  with  Thy  love,  and  give  US  peace: 

Self  and  THIS  sin  that  rise  AGAINST  us  slay, 

Oh,  grant  each  DAY  our  TRESPASS-es  may  cease. 

Forgive  OUR  evil  deeds  THAT  oft  we  do, 

Convince  us  DAILY  of  THEM  to  our  shame. 

Help  us  with  heavenly  BREAD,  FORGIVE  us,  too 
Recurrent  lusts,  AND  WE’ll  adore  Thy  name. 

In  the  FORGIVE-ness,  we  AS  saints  can  die, 

Since  for  US  and  our  TRESPASSES  so  high, 

Thy  Son,  OUR  Savior,  bled  on  Cavalry. 

A.  Find  all  the  letters  of  the  verse  and  the  words  of  the 
prayer. 


34 


A POEM  BY  TWENTY  POETS. 

Q.  Why  all  this  toil  for  triumph  of  an  hour? — Young. 

Life’s  a short  summer,  man’s  a flower. — Dr.  Johnson. 

By  turns  we  catch  the  vital  breath  and  die. — Pope. 

The  cradle  and  tomb,  alas!  so  nigh  .—Prior. 

To  be  is  better  far  better  than  not  to  be. — Sewell. 

Though  all  man’s  life  may  seem  a tragedy ; — Spencer. 

Your  fate  is  but  the  common  fate  of  all; — Longfellow. 

Unmingled  joys  here  to  no  man  befall. — Southwell. 

Live  well ; how  long  or  short,  permit  to  heaven ; — Milton . 

They  who  forgive  most  shall  be  most  forgiven.  —Bailey. 

Then  keep  each  passion  down,  however  dear; — Thompson. 

Thou  pendulum  betwixt  a smile  and  tear. — Byron. 

Soar  not  too  high  to  fall,  but  stoop  to  rise ; — Massinger. 

We  masters  grow  of  all  that  we  despise. — Cowley. 

Think  not  ambition  wise  because  ’tis  brave, — Davenant. 

The  paths  of  glory  lead  but  to  the  grave. — Gray. 

How  long  we  live  not  years  but  actions  tell : — Watkins. 

That  man  lives  twice  who  lives  the  first  life  well  .—Herrick. 

The  trust  that’s  given  guard,  and  to  yourself  be  just; — Dana. 

For,  live  we  how  we  can,  yet  die  we  must. — Shakespeare . 

A.  Have  your  friends  name  the  authors  as  you  read  the 
lines. 


PLAYING  WITH  PUNS. 

Q.  One  person  in  the  company  mentions  a name  which  sig- 
nifies something,  as  Brown.  Another  responds  with  a kin- 
dred name,  as  White.  A few  names  from  the  New  York 
directory  will  be  suggestive : Hale,  Hearty,  Sick;  Shepherds, 
Flock,  Lamb;  Christian,  Sinner,  Devil;  Pilgrim,  Staff;  Noah, 
Ark,  Car,  Driver;  Mean,  Lovely;  Constable,  Club;  Canary, 
Singer;  Hen,  Chick;  Clock,  Hands;  Widow,  Maid;  Redhead, 
Whitehead;  Shoemaker,  Skinner;  Herring,  Sucker. 

A.  Try  to  make  some  groups  of  names  yourself 


35 


A READING  PUZZLE. 

Q.  I’ll  prove  the  word  that  I’ve  made  my  theme 
Is  that  that  may  be  doubled  without  blame ; 

And  that  that  that  thus  trebled  I may  use, 

And  that  that  that  that  critics  may  abuse 
May  be  correct.  Further — the  dons  to  bother — 

Five  thats  may  closely  follow  one  another; 

For  be  it  known  that  we  safely  write 

Or  say,  that  that  that  that  that  man  writ  was  right ; 

Nay,  e’en  that  that  that  that  that  that  followed 
Through  six  repeats  the  grammar’s  rule  has  hallowed, 

And  that  that  that  (that  that  that  that  began), 

Repeated  seven  times  is  right!  Deny’t  who  can? 

A.  Read  it  until  you  make  sense. 

Q.  How  can  you  get  rid  of  a caller  who  don’t  know  when 
to  go? 

A.  Do  as  Longfellow  used  to  do;  invite  them  out  to  see 
the  view  from  the  piazza,  after  which  it  is  easier  to  go  than  to 
return  to  the  hou  $e. 

Q.  When  are  two  friends  half-witted? 

A.  When  they  have  an  understanding  between  them. 

Q.  Which  is  the  grand  seat  of  learning? 

A.  The  seat  of  a boy’s  pants,  for  it  is  that  to  which  the 
schoolmaster  applies  himself.  Until  recent  times  when  a boy 
was  sent  to  a teacher  it  was  customary  to  say:  “He  is  put 
under  his  ferrule.” 

Q.  During  the  “Woman’s  Crusade”  Beecher  was  asked 
what  he  thought  of  women  leaving  their  homes  and  meddling 
with  men’s  affairs.  He  said — 

A.  “I  don’t  see  any  use  in  always  keeping  a gun  loaded; 
if  women  are  loaded  with  reform  let  them  unload.” 

Q.  He  says:  “A  good-hearted  man  is  more  apt  to  become 
dissipated  than  a mean  man,  because ” 

A.  “Sweet  things  spoil  more  easily  than  sour  things;  and 
warm  things  more  easily  than  cold  things.” 

. Q.  Why  is  it  proper  to  include  women  when  we  say  man- 
kind, or  all  men? 

A.  Because  man  embraces  woman. 


36 


Q.  Who  is  the  oldest  lunatic? 

A.  Time  out  of  mind. 

Q.  We  say:  “Strike  while  the  iron  is  hot.”  But  what 
did  Cromwell  say? 

A.  “Not  only  strike  while  the  iron  is  hot,  but  make  it  hot 
by  striking.  Don’t  simply  improve  a chance  when  you  have 
it,  but  make  a chance.  “ 

Q.  Why  are  newspapers  reliable? 

A.  They  lie,  then  they  lie  again,  or  they  re-lie,  and  so  are 
re-li-able. 

Q.  To  relieve  the  sting  of  the  last  riddle,  I ask,  “Why  is 
the  printing  press  the  tree  of  life?’’ 

A.  It  brings  forth  leaves  for  the  healing  of  the  nations. 

Q.  Behind  the  barn  at  early  morn 

I heard  a herald  blow  his  horn. 

His  beard  was  flesh,  his  mouth  was  horn, 

The  like  of  him  was  never  born. 

A.  Rooster.  (Hatched,  not  born.) 

Q.  “Variety  is  the  spice  of  life,’’  we  say,  but  we  cannot 
live  on  spice.  What,  then,  is  the  food  of  life? 

A.  Uniformity;  our  regular  work;  our  daily  bread,  our 
old  friends  and  common  faith.  Order  is  better  than  novelty. 
Common  things  are  the  best. 

Q.  On  what  condition  would  women  wear  men’s  clothes? 

A.  If  it  were  the  fashion. 

Q.  On  what  condition  would  all  men  be  charitable? 

A.  If  they  would  see  ten  per  cent,  in  it. 

Q.  A man  bought  a coat  and  found  it  too  short,  but  his 
wife  assured  him — 

A.  It  would  be  long  before  he  had  another. 

Q.  On  the  first  of  July,  1891,  a train  ran  off  the  great 
bridge  at  St.  Louis  and  no  one  was  killed  or  injured.  How 
was  it  possible? 

A.  It  ran  off  the  bridge  as  usual  and  went  on  its  way- 

Q.  Why  is  a dead  hen  better  than  a live  one? 

A.  She  will  lay  wherever  you  put  her. 


37 


Q.  Here  is  a sample  of  my  first  attempt  at  riddle  making 
when  I was  a boy  about  fourteen  or  less: 

We  are  seven  busy  brothers 
Laboring  every  day. 

Always  helping  others 

In  everything  they  say. 

The  first  in  the  Amazon  doth  dwell, 

The  second  in  Egypt  has  a cell, 

The  third  in  Ireland  makes  his  home. 

The  fourth  of  us  resides  in  Rome, 

The  fifth  and  seventh  are  in  you, 

The  sixth  is  everywhere  in  view. 

A.  The  vowels. 

Q.  Perhaps  this  is  the  first  original  riddle  with  which  I 
amused  myself  at  the  expense  of  my  playmates.  From  one 
million  substract  1,000,  i,  50,  50  and  1. 

A.  The  numbers  to  be  subtracted  are  represented  by 
M I L L I ; take  these  letters  from  the  word  million  and  you 
have  left  the  word  on,  so  when  the  boys  told  me  their  remain- 
der, I said:  “Guess  on,  guess  on.’’  When  they  gave  it  up  I 
said:  “I  have  been  telling  you  the  answer;  it  is  ‘on.’  ” 

Q.  Why  is  the  tongue  like  a horse? 

A.  It  must  be  bridled. 

Q.  “Mamma,  papa  can’t  go  to  heaven,  can  he?”  “Why, 
my  child?”  “Because 

A.  He  can’t  leave  the  store. 

Q.  Who  are  the  best  book-keepers? 

A.  The  people  who  never  return  a book. 

Q.  What  are  the  three  degrees  of  a mining  speculation? 

A.  Positive,  mining;  comparative,  minor;  superlative, 
minus. 

Q.  Why  is  Blackstone  like  an  Irish  vegetable? 

A.  He  is  a commontator. 

Q.  What  is  a counter-irritant? 

A.  A woman  shopping. 

VQ.  Why  is  a girl  in  love  like  an  arrow? 

A.  She  is  in  a quiver  until  her  beau  comes. 

Q.  How  can  you  have  a set  of  teeth  inserted  gratis? 


38 


A.  Kick  a bull-dog. 

Q.  What  is  the  dryest  subject? 

A.  A mummy. 

IQ.  Why  are  women  wicked? 

A.  They  hook  their  dresses,  steel  their  petticoats,  and  crib 
their  babies. 

Q.  What  consolation  has  a homely  girl? 

A.  She  will  be  a pretty  old  one  if  she  lives  long. 

Q.  I saw  you  where  you  never  were, 

And  where  you  could  not  be, 

And  yet  within  that  very  place 
Your  face  I often  see. 

A.  In  the  mirror. 

Q.  Instead  of  complaining  when  it  rains  we  should  do  so 
as  they  do  in  Spain,  and  what  is  that? 

A.  Let  it  rain. 

Q.  What  does  the  Chinaman  say  in  answer  to  the  question, 
“What  are  the  wild  waves  saying?” 

A.  Washee;  washee. 

Q.  Would  you  rather  be  a bigger  fool  than  you  seem,  or 
rather  seem  to  be  a bigger  fool  than  you  are? 

A.  Whichever  horn  of  this  dilemma  a person  chooses 
when  you  ask  the  question  you  reply:  “That  would  be  impos- 
sible. ” 

Q.  What  is  the  difference,  between  the  death  of  a barber 
and  the  death  of  a sculptor? 

A.  One  curls  up  and  dyes;  the  other  makes  faces  and 
busts. 

Q.  What  poet  does  everybody  want? 

A.  Moore  (more). 

Q.  Pat  said,  “There  was  nothing  wonderful  about  the 
great  fall  of  Niagara,”  because — 

A.  There  was  nothing  to  hinder  the  fall. 

Q.  What  increases  its  value  one-half  when  turned  upside 
down? 

A.  Figure  6. 


39 


Q.  Why  is  the  board  of  trade  a den  of  wild  beasts? 

A.  The  members  are  bulls  and  bears. 

Q.  In  the  opinion  of  a negro  preacher,  why  did  Jesus  learn 
the  carpenter’s  trade? 

A.  That  he  might  build  mansions  for  his  people  in  heaven. 
Q.  Why  does  a doctor  not  get  sea-sick? 

A.  He  is  used  to  see-sickness. 

Q.  Why  was  Henry  VIII.  a peculiar  suitor? 

A.  He  married  his  wives  and  axed  them  afterwards. 

Q.  What’s  the  difference  between  a soldier  and  a belle? 

A.  One  faces  the  powder  and  the  other  powders  the  face. 
Q.  Why  is  an  old  man  easily  robbed? 

A.  His  gait  is  broken  and  his  locks  are  few  (locks  of  hair). 
4 Q.  Why  is  a cat’s  tail  like  the  world? 

A.  It’s  fur  to  the  end. 

Q.  Why  are  penmakers  rascals? 

A.  Because  they  make  people  steel  pens  and  tell  them 
they  do  write. 

Q.  Why  is  a fool’s  pate  like  a drum? 

A.  It  is  empty,  and  good  for  nothing  but  noise. 

Q.  Is  it  ever  correct  to  say,  “This  ’ere’’  and  “that’er?” 

A.  Yes,  when  you  mean  this  ear  and  that  air. 

Q.  What  does  everybody  give  and  few  take? 

A.  Advice. 

Q.  I can  throw  an  egg  against  the  wall 
And  it  will  neither  break  nor  fall. 

A.  The  wall  will  not  break. 

Q.  Why  do  women  carry  parasols? 

A.  The  sun  is  of  the  masculine  gender,  and  they  cannot 
endure  his  ardent  glances. 

Q.  When  a smoker  promises  to  quit,  what  does  the  prom- 
ise usually  end  in? 

A.  Smoke.  He  smokes  again. 

Q.  Made  years  ago,  yet  made  to-day, 

Employed  while  others  sleep. 

Which  none  would  want  to  give  away. 

And  none  would  wish  to  keep. 

A.  A bed. 


40 


Q.  A blind  beggar  had  a brother  and  the  brother  died 
the  man  that  died  had  no  brother. 

A.  The  beggar  was  a woman. 

Q.  Of  what  did  Ling  die  when  he  swallowed  the  bomb? 

A.  Shooting  off  his  mouth. 

Q.  How  can  a man  be  his  own  grandfather?" 

A Smith  had  a son  John;  John  married  a widow  who 
had  a grown  daughter;  old  Smith  married  the  daughter,  and 
so  he  became  John’s  son;  but  John’s  father  must  be  grand- 
father to  John’s  son,  therefore  Smith  is  grandfather  to  himself, 
Q.  What  gives  a cold,  cures  a cold  and  pays  the  doctor? 
A.  A draught. 

. Q.  Why  is  a quarrel  like  a bargain? 

A.  Takes  two  to  make  it. 

Q.  What’s  the  difference  between  a cat  and  a book? 

A.  One  has  the  claws  at  the  end  of  the  paws,  and  the 
other  has  the  pause  at  the  end  of  the  clause. 

Q.  Why  does  more  corn  grow  in  crooked  rows  than  in 
straight  ones? 

A.  There  are  more  crooked  rows. 

Q.  I often  murmur,  but  never  weep ; 

Always  lie  in  bed,  but  never  sleep. 

My  mouth  is  larger  than  my  head, 

And  much  discharges,  though  never  fed ; 

1 have  no  feet,  yet  swiftly  run; 

The  more  falls  I get,  move  faster  on. 

A.  A river. 

Q.  When  does  one  become  soured? 

A.  When  he  is  in  a pickle. 

Q.  Where  did  Humboldt  go  on  his  thirty-ninth  birthday? 
A.  In  his  fortieth  year. 

Q.  Of  what  disease  will  a cold  water  hobbyist  die? 

A.  Water  on  the  brain. 

Q.  Archimedes  said,  “Give  me  a standing  place  and  I 
will  move  the  earth  with  a lever.  ’’  Goethe  solved  the  problem. 
How? 

A.  Make  good  thy  standing-place  and  move  the  world 


41 


■ 

Q.  Why  is  a woman  like  a locomotive  * 

A.  She  makes  a terrible  noise  when  she  whistles. 

Q.  When  is  it  right  to  lie? 

A.  When  you  are  in  bed. 

Q.  What  encouragement  does  the  Bible  give  to  a tobacco 
chewer? 

A.  He  that  is  filthy  let  him  be  filthy  still. 

Q.  What  always  goes  with  a wagon  that  is  no  part  of  it 
and  of  no  use  to  it? 

A.  The  noise  it  makes. 

Q.  McClelland’s  hands  were  always  tied  with  rules  and 
forms.  The  story  goes  that  he  once  telegraphed  to  Lincoln, 
4 'I  have  captured  a hundred  cows;  shall  I milk  them?” 
Promptly  came  the  reply — 

A.  Suck  ’em,  George ; you  are  the  biggest  calf  in  the 
army. 

Q.  What  is  gratitude? 

A.  The  memory  of  the  heart. 

Q.  Why  do  women  have  no  beards? 

A.  A crusty  old  bachelor  says,  “Their  tongues  are  so  long 
that  in  shaving  themselves  they  would  cut  their  tongues.” 

Q.  What  is  Eternity? 

A.  A day  without  yesterday  or  to-morrow. 

Q.  A bet  that  he  could  eat  more  oysters  than  B ; A ate 
ninety  in  a week,  B ate  a hundred  and  one.  How  many  more 
did  B eat  than  A? 

A.  Ten.  He  ate  a hundred  and  won. 

Q.  How  does  the  average  Yankee  answer  the  question,. 
“What,  is  the  chief  end  of  man?” 

A.  Keep  all  you’ve  got  and  get  all  you  can. 

Q.  There  was  a man  who  was  not  born. 

His  father  was  not  before  him ; 

He  did  not  live,  he  did  not  die. 

His  epitaph  is  not  o’er  him. 

A.  A man  by  the  name  of  Nott. 

Q.  A sleeper  in  a sleeper  over  a sleeper. 


42 


A.  First,  a man  asleep;  second,  sleeping  car;  third,  a 
beam  under  the  rail. 

Q.  Preacher:  Children,  why  are  ministers  the  salt  of  the 
earth? 

A.  Boy:  Because  they  keep  victuals  from  spoiling. 

Q.  Of  what  trade  is  the  Sun? 

A.  A tanner. 

Q.  A lazy  man,  wishing  to  encourage  his  wife’s  industry, 
exclaimed,  “My  dear,  you  and  I are  equal  to  ten.”  “Yes,” 
she  said,  “for — 

A.  I am  one  (i)  and  you  are  a cipher  (o). 

Q.  McCauley’s  Riddle,  given  here  only  in  substance  from 
a poem.  My  whole  is  composed  of  twelve;  divide  us  into 
three  and  nine,  and  you  bring  before  you  a dark  and  dreadful 
scene,  bloodshed  and  cruelty;  man  destroying  man;  if  you 
exclude  the  first  three  of  us,  the  picture  is  even  darker,  for 
now  the  brute  creation  is  involved  in  the  general  misery;  but 
separate  us  into  four  and  eight  and  what  a change! . Now  all  i 
is  gladness  and  gayety.  The  air  rings  with  jubilee  and  joy. 

A.  First,  manslaughter;  second,  slaughter;  third,  man’s 
laughter. 

Q.  If  you  cross  your  second  finger  over  your  first  and  pass  | 
the  fork  up  and  down  on  the  bridge  of  your  nose  it  will  feel  as 
though  you  had  two  noses.  Why? 

A.  The  fingers  being  crossed,  it  is  the  outer  side  of  each 
finger  that  touches  the  nose;  and  the  mind,  from  habit,  refers; 
all  sensations  to  their  usual  place.  So  there  seems  to  be  a 
nose  on  the  outer  side  of  both  fingers,  which  would  require 
two  noses.  I 


Q.  SHELLEY’S  RIDDLE. 

I bring  fresh  showers 

For  the  thirsty  flowers, 

From  the  seas  and  the  streams ; 

I bear  light  shade 
For  the  leaves  when  laid 

In  their  noonday  dreams. 


43 


I bind  the  sun’s  throne 
With  a burning  zone, 

And  the  moons  with  a girdle  of  peari; 

The  volcanoes  are  dim 
And  the  stars  reel  and  swim 

When  the  whirlwinds  nrr  banner  unfurls. 

When  the  crimson  pall 
Of  the  even  doth  fall 
From  the  depth  of  heaven  above. 

Safe  folded  I rest 
On  my  airy  nest, 

As  still  as  a brooding  dove. 

I wield  the  flail 

Of  the  lashing  hail, 

And  whiten  the  green  plains  under 
And  then  again 
I dissolve  it  in  rain 

And  laugh  as  I pass  in  thunder. 

I sift  the  snow 

On  the  mountains  below 
And  their  great  pines  groan  aghast  \ 

And  all  the  night 
’Tis  my  pillow  white 

As  I sleep  in  the  arms  of  the  blast. 

A.  A cloud. 


q.  i.  McClellan, 

GIVEN  HERE  ONLY  IN  PART. 

He  dreamed  that  the  Frenchman’s  sword  still  slew, 
And  triumphed  the  Frenchman’s  eagle ; 

The  struggling  Austrians  fled  anew 
Like  the  hare  before  the  beagle. 

The  bearded  Russian  he  scourged  again, 

The  Prussian  camp  was  routed, 

And  again  on  the  hills  of  haughty  Spain 
His  mighty  army  shouted. 


44 


-***• 


O’er  Egypt’s  sands,  o’er  Alpine  snows, 

At  the  pyramid,  at  the  mountain, 

Where  the  wave  of  the  lordly  Danube  flows. 
And  by  the  Italian  fountain ; 

O’er  the  snowy  cliffs  where  mountain  streams 
Dash  by  the  Switzer’s  dwelling, 

He  led  again,  in  his  dying  dreams, 

His  host,  the  broad  earth  quelling. 

Who  was  he? 

A.  Napoleon. 


\>.  MISS  FANSHAW’S  ENIGMA. 

’Twas  whispered  in  heaven  and  muttered  in  hell, 

And  echo  caught  faintly  the  sound  as  it  fell. 

On  the  confines  of  earth,  ‘twas  permitted  to  rest, 

And  the  depths  of  the  ocean  its  presence  confessed; 
’Twas  seen  in  the  lightning,  and  heard  in  the  thunder ; 

’Twiil  be  found  in  the  spheres,  when  riven  asunder' 
’Twas  given  to  man  with  his  earliest  breath, 

Assists  at  his  birth  and  attends  him  in  death ; 
Presides  o’er  his  happiness,  honor  and  health, 

Is  the  prop  of  his  house  and  the  end  of  his  wealth, 

It  begins  every  hope,  every  wish  it  must  bound 

And  though  unassuming  with  monarchs  is  crowned 
Without  it" the  soldier  and  sailor  may  roam, 

But  woe  to  the  wretch  who  expels  it  from  home. 

But  in  shade  let  it  rest,  like  a delicate  flower — 

O,  breathe  on  it  softly ; it  dies  in  an  hour. 

A.  The  letter  H. 


J.  R.  DRAKE. 

When  freedom  from  her  mountain  height 
Uniurl’d  ner  standard  to  the  air 
She  tore  the  azure  robe  of  night, 

And  set  the  stars  of  glory  there ; 

She  mingled  with  its  gorgeous  dyes 


45 


The  milky  baldric  of  the  skies, 

And  striped  its  pure  celestial  white 

With  streakings  of  the  morning  light. 

A.  Our  flag. 

Q.  How  can  we  all  remember  our  friends  in  our  will? 

A.  In  our  good-will. 

"Q.  What  is  the  best  thing  that  any  of  us  can  do  in  this 
world? 

A.  Mind  our  own  business. 

Q.  Is  life  worth  living? 

A.  It  depends  on  the  liver. 

Q.  What  is  the  greatest  enemy  of  the  world  and  of  ever}7 
man? 

A.  Despair ; losing  ‘ 4 the  mighty  hopes  that  make  us  men. 1 r 
We  commenced  this  catechism  .with  the  question  which  is  the 
greatest  riddle,  and  the  answer  w’as  Life,  because  we  all  have 
to  give  it  up,  but  woe  to  the  man  who  wants  to  give  it  up. 
The  world  is  the  sphynx  that  propounds  to  ever  man  the  riddle 
of  life.  If  he  does  not  give  her  an  answer,  find  some  meaning 
in  life,  she  devours  him.  The  love  of  life  and  faith  in  the 
world  is  the  great  secret  of  happiness  and  success.  I leave 
with  you  as  a parting  gift  the  Persian  proverb,  “When  men 
shall  say  in  passing  a grave,  ‘Would  I were  there/  the  end 
of  the  world  is  at  hand  99 


CRACKER  JACK  AND 
CANDY  MAKERS 


RUECKHEEM  BROS.  & ECKSTEIN 


LIFE  IS  SHORT!  RETAIN  YOUR  YOUTH! 


GO  TO 


F rench  Lick  and 
West  Baderv  Sprirvgs 

IN  THE  HIGHLANDS  OF  SOUTHERN  INDIANA 

ON  THE 


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apartments  and  service  to  be  obtained  in  the  best  metropolitan  hotels. 

Booklet  telling  all  about  the  waters  and  giving  list  of  the 
hotels  and  boarding  houses  with  their  rates  sent  free. 


- Address  - 


CHAS.  H.  ROCKWELL 

Traffic  Manager 


FRANK  J.  REED 

General  Passenger  Agent 


CHICAGO,  ILL. 


C.  'R.  SSL  M. 


H 


••  IS  he  FeKv  to  ay" 

between 

Chicago  ^ Cincinnati 

“Short  Line  by  20  Miles'' 


ZShe  map  tells  the  story!* 


See  folders  and  guides  for  our  schedules, 
.flny  railway  agent  can  ticket  you  through  •Via 
“ Z5he  JVeW  Way." 


For  rates  and  detail  information  address 


F.  E.  SIGNER., 
G.  P.  A. 


RICHMOND,  IND. 


W.  B.  CALLOWAY, 
A.  G.  P.  A. 


3 0 


12106070060 


